I Learnt New Words...And Yes...I Found Me!
I wake up in the morning one day and I look at myself in the mirror and that small voice inside me says, “Look at you, how did you end up here, this wasn’t your life story, whose life are you living?” Another voice inside tells me, “You need to get a new look sister, you need to show them you got it all sorted out!” “Your teeth look all rugged up, your tummy looks so wrinkled up!”AAAArgh! I gotta get rid of these rugged teeth. I call up my dentist and I book an appointment.
On my way out, I remember on Saturday I have a WEDDING to attend. All my friends will be there. They gotta see that I got it all sorted out, and I can’t just wear a “hivi hivi” dress. It needs to be a smashing hot one. And I better not find another chic wearing it. So I land at one of the high end clothing stores and I try out almost 10 dresses. I end up buying not only an expensive dress but also a set of equally highly priced shoes.
Then another thought goes through my head, “… pregnant, but I got to look much younger…surely am not good enough”.
Then another thought goes through my head, “… pregnant, but I got to look much younger…surely am not good enough”. I think to myself, “I need to appear beautiful and can still look smashing even after pregnancy and delivery.
I think to myself, “I need to appear beautiful and can still look smashing even after pregnancy and delivery. Shapeless….? Not me! I will show them I am not shapeless. I will join the gym and look smashing hot!”
With all these thoughts I realized I had slowly sunk into the shopaholic ship. I had become a shopaholic. I would buy very expensive clothes and shoes that would cost me quite a lot. I got a credit card and started using it. Paying for the gym, clothes, and to crown it all, I enrolled in a second Master’s Program. Yes, a second one. I had to take a loan to pay for these programmes. At the end of it all I accrued so many debts.
How did I get here? I was always broke, no money on me to do anything else apart from financing my addictions. They kept me going. Each time I dived in, I would go on a high. It felt so good, yes, so long as it lasted.
I was always broke, no money on me to do anything else apart from financing my addictions. They kept me going. Each time I dived in, I would go on a high. It felt so good, yes, so long as it lasted
But as soon as I would get home, I would look at all the things I bought then look at the receipts, and feel so guilty, so ashamed. If anyone got to know how much I spent today, they would be shocked. I would hide all the things I bought and sometimes even forget what I had bought only to bump into them a month down the line, still new, never having been worn!
The shopping addiction ship kept me going until I discovered another equally addictive ship called relationships! Yes, I realized I still needed to prove that I needed to prove to myself that I was still beautiful.
And quickly I dived in, from one relationship to the next. But I never got it. They never brought out the oomph in me.
And quickly I dived in, from one relationship to the next. But I never got it. They never brought out the oomph in me. What is it that you want Josephine? I was so tired of the roller coasters. I became the people pleaser; I would look for affirmation everywhere. Whoever affirmed me was welcome in my life; whoever criticized me was out, never to be contacted again. I locked out people well known to me and before long; I had no real life, just a perception that I was living the life I should have lived before.
It was all well set, by 30 I was supposed to have achieved so much including having a well sorted out family life and career! When all these things weren’t helping I discovered yet another one, wine and partying. I did it all, every evening if not every weekend. But still, I never got the IT. The IT I was so longingly looking for. Where was my IT? My oomph. Who was I, why didn’t I like myself? Why didn’t I feel pretty? Why did I make so many mistakes in my life?
Until finally I came to Alabastron Renewing Self. Here I found a solace. I was free to be me. I was free to let myself be me and let no shame take over my life again. I learnt to forgive, not for anyone but myself.
Until finally I came to Alabastron Renewing Self. Here I found a solace, where no one cared what kind of a past I had. And for once, I had no frustrated confused-bitter-with-life woman title tagged on to me. I was simply me, Josephine. One name. No one asked me where I went to school or what grade I achieved in school. I was free to be me. I was free to let myself be me and let no shame take over my life again. I learnt to forgive, not for anyone but myself. I set myself free by forgiving and letting go. I learnt new words and I learnt to love me and forgive me. And best of all I found me.
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