I’m Ok, Everything Is A’Ok!!
“I’m ok!”, is my standard answer. I roll my eyes and wonder, why do people keep asking me if I am ok, don’t I look ok? Leave me alone! Can’t you see, how ok I am? I am put together, I am Ms. Me. I have my stuff together, I have the house, the job and a loving relationship with a guy who loves me. I am happy, aren’t I or shouldn’t I be?
Night falls. I am all alone. Gosh, it’s so quiet. What do I do? It’s time to sleep but I don’t want to go to bed. It’s too lonely. Oh! I feel so empty, so alone. I look at the clock, it’s 9.30pm. Wisdom says it is time to wind down for the day, the weekend and start preparing for the new week. Time to check my diary and get ready for the new week, take my shower, slow down, read, meditate, pray, stretch; all those things I read in the glossy magazines, hear from my pastor, and the growing plethora of podcasts and sources of advice.
The phone rings. I look at the caller ID, it’s him. “Hey babe.” He says in his sultry voice. “It’s been a minute, why so quiet? Are you ok?” Again, that question, will everyone stop asking me that inane baseless question! I AM ok! Ok! I roll my eyes, smile and say sweetly, “All is well, sweets, good to hear from you. How have you been?” I don’t feel like all is well though, are those tears welling up? Oh, my goodness, I better not start crying. I make a lame excuse about running the bath, he tries to protest, but I cut it all short. I don’t feel like explaining. What am I even explaining, I don’t understand what is going on! I am ok, I am ok, aren’t I? Panic is rising in me.
“I’m ok!”, is my standard answer. I roll my eyes and wonder, why do people keep asking me if I am ok, don’t I look ok? Leave me alone! Can’t you see, how ok I am? I am put together, I am Ms. Me. I have my stuff together, I have the house, the job and a loving relationship with a guy who loves me. I am happy, aren’t I or shouldn’t I be?
Bedtime still beckons. I don’t want to sleep. What are these feelings? I feel down and I want to feel better. I am so tired of trying to look and sound right. Mmmh, I remember that bottle of Rosé wine. I rummage through the drinks’ cabinet, I locate it, crack it open and fill my glass. I enjoy sipping the sweet nectar, the fragrant flavours of strawberry and passionfruit linger on my tongue. I put up my feet and listen to the music. A glass later, I am feeling mellow, happier, settled, my eyelids get heavier, I feel myself drifting off... with the thoughts, “I love my life but what is missing?” Soon, my breath deepens and I am asleep.
My eyes fly open and it’s morning. Oh no! it’s 6.30am, I have overslept, the 9am meeting!? I scramble to get ready and rush off to work, I am feeling breathless, rushed. I arrive at the office in the nick of time; settling quickly in the conference room, I smile at my colleagues, I wonder if I look as windswept as I feel. The meeting starts. I sit up and I am in the zone, I am enjoying it, the back and forth, the interaction but all too soon the high ends and I am down again, alone. I cannot sustain this. What should I do?
The end of the day is upon me and that feeling starts again, I don’t want to be alone. A thought crosses my mind, don’t I like myself, why don’t I want to spend time alone, what is going on? I need to get to the bottom of this. Who can I talk to? I remember when I loved time alone, being creative, reading, making new things, writing my dreams down and pursuing them as well. Does this thought mean I don’t have my “proverbial stuff” together. It feels that so much is falling through the cracks if my feelings are an indication.
Does this sound familiar? is this what you are going through?
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