The Hazy Pause of Existence
The alarm goes off, I reach for it, trying to shut off the buzzer before that irritating ring goes off again. Fingers fumbling, eyes barely open, I am barely awake, but I feel it finally and press the button. Aaaaah, silence at last! A new day, it’s Monday! It’s Monday, the emptiness floods in. I look across the vast king size bed, it used to be our playground, he’s starting to stir too, his back is towards me. I miss life, I miss living. What happened, when did life become so dull, so grey, so drab? I don’t want to get out of bed, can’t I just turnover and go back to sleep? I hear the sound of the day starting downstairs, the little voices, arguing over who gets to sit where at the family table. Oh, the ruckus, would they just be quiet. I miss life, I miss living. What happened, when did life become so dull, so grey, so drab? I don’t want to get out of bed, can’t I just turnover and go back to sleep?
He starts to turn towards me, I freeze, please don’t say good morning! It’s morning, but why is it good? Do you know what is going on in my head? And… there it comes, “Good morning darling”, he says as he moves closer, the scent of him, oh, there was a time, I was intoxicated by him, now I…am just blah! I feel anesthetized. Am I even alive? What does it mean to be alive, if this is living, then this is not what I signed up for! I can’t just keep going through the motions. I hug him back, I smile, numb, my emotions unstirred. That tingle of joy, the tickle where did it go? Who have I become? I want to feel alive, I want to feel my heart flutter, my cheeks blush, the rush of blood to my face, when I look at him or when I catch him looking at me in that sultry way that he does.
It’s time to get up. The effort just to do that feels epic. I should get a prize. Where did the bound go? It’s a hive of activity as I arrive in the kitchen. The day has started in full swing. My head starts to thump, it’s too loud, it’s too busy! I see it all happening around me, but it feels like it is happening to someone else. “Mama, Mama, look, I poured the milk into the cup all by myself,” my little cherub, gleefully tells me. I know I am smiling and congratulating her on the milestone, but I may as well be in the next room or continent, I don’t feel connected.
What do I do? I want to live; I want to feel alive. I want to experience life in all its radiant vibrance!
This is not right; life is passing me by as I remain stuck on pause, in the haze of existence. I have to snap out of it. I was not born to exist and just meander in life; I was born to live and live fully. Help! I feel myself drowning in the bog of existence! This cannot go on! I am missing out on my family, on their love, on our connection and who we are becoming! My little ones will not always be little and these will be memories that I will not have been part of. I have to get out of this fog. I have to get back to being front and centre on the stage that is my life. How do I do that? What do I do? I want to live; I want to feel alive. I want to experience life in all its radiant vibrance!
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