I Am a Happier Woman Because I Have Designed the Life I Want to Live!
I learnt about Alabastron from my mother, she mentioned it on a phone call and said it was a training she wanted me to attend. I was compelled to attend by virtue of her being my mother, also, I was home for the holidays. 2018 had been a tough one for me. I had gone through an extended depressive episode. I had wanted to quit school because I felt like it was sucking the life out of me. I had chosen to pursue a bachelor’s degree in Mining Engineering and after two years of studies, it just felt like I did not have it in me to follow through.
This experience took a tumble on my self-esteem. Growing up, I believed I was smart and that was a big part of my identity, yet here I was flunking out of university. What that meant was that a big part of my identity got chipped off. I felt lost. I secluded myself and drowned in my misery because I did not know how to tell the people around me. Growing up, I believed I was smart and that was a big part of my identity, yet here I was flunking out of university. What that meant was that a big part of my identity got chipped off. I felt lost. I secluded myself and drowned in my misery because I did not know how to tell the people around me.
Eventually it got too heavy to keep it all in. I started experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns. I’d be running up and down to try and find solutions. Other times I would be talking to people about my situation as a cry for help. Naturally, no one had a solution, but I just needed to feel heard. These responses gave me a sense of not being completely powerless but it didn’t really give me peace of mind.
The program made me go back to my childhood and uncover all the scars that I had buried from back then. It wasn’t a straight forward and simple process. It was foreign and in some instances I could feel my brain actively fighting me, refusing to retrieve memories. I had headaches while trying to get some of the activities given in class. Sometimes I felt like I could not connect with the material because it felt like it was designed for an audience much older than I was. Mostly, this was just me standing in the way of my own healing. The program made me go back to my childhood and uncover all the scars that I had buried from back then. My highlight was unlearning things taught to me by society and beliefs I had grown up believing about myself. I learnt to accept myself.
My highlight was unlearning things taught to me by society and beliefs I had grown up believing about myself. I learnt to accept myself. After going through the program, nothing about the world has changed, honestly, school is still hectic but I feel like I’m seeing all those things from a very different lens. It all starts from how I view myself now, I allow myself a level of grace I never even thought possible in the past. I have allowed myself to make mistakes without hating myself for my imperfections. I am always striving to do great things but at the same time I have this knowledge that I am enough and nothing I do or say can make me more or less so.
I also feel very liberated in my womanhood; it no longer feels like this title is a cage as it has been my whole life. I never really liked having been born a woman because it meant there were so many things I couldn’t do and at the same time, so many things I’m supposed to do. I have this understanding that I get to design my own experience here, it’s not a thing society gets to do for me. What could be more liberating than that?
My relationships with those close to me have also improved because I find it easier to be honest and speak about where I am at without feeling pressure to be a certain kind of way. Renewing Self program is very experiential, varies from one woman to the next. What I have tried to do in my story is paint you a picture of what it was like for me. However, you have to experience it for yourself in your own unique way. The thought might be daunting, but if you asked my opinion, I’d tell you it was worth every ounce of energy it would cost you to do the inner work. To sign up for the program click HERE
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