Now I Can See The Potential Everyone's Been Talking About.
Mine is a story of a girl who was lost.
I was first diagnosed with depression along with ADHD when I was in high school. I didn't quite understand what was wrong with me because I was fun and popular but I was also indescribably lonely and sad. You had to be one or the other, I was both and that really confused me. Nothing about me added up. I didn't know what my personality was. My friendships didn't last, I lashed out in anger at my friends and by the time I finished high school, I had built this wall around myself that no one could get through. I couldn't figure myself out and I didn't want anyone to see how broken I was.
I joined campus with a lot of enthusiasm though, it was a fresh start, I could be whoever I wanted to be. I didn't like who I was and I could change it, finally. So I became the party girl. I became friends with all the wrong people and my self-loathing led me to seek love and approval in all the wrong places, in all the wrong men.
Relationship after relationship left me even more alone and afraid. I was looking for something they just couldn’t give me. I had built this wall around myself that no one could get through. I couldn't figure myself out and I didn't want anyone to see how broken I was.
For years I heard my parents talk about all the potential I had but I didn't believe them. I didn't believe I had anything good in me. I saw psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors but never followed through on treatment. That was no helping me. I was so lost in myself I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror.
I hated myself so much and hated how much weight I had gained. In 2013, I was selected to contest on a popular weight loss TV show- slim possible. Audiences saw a happy, humorous girl who loved to dance but in reality, I was the girl who snuck out of the gym to smoke a joint. I was the girl who snuck in one more joint, one more shot of whiskey before the show started. The trainers were constantly mad at me and lecturing me about my potential. That word, potential! People kept saying it to me but I couldn't even recognize any of it.
By 2014, I had a developed a dependency on marijuana, cigarettes and alcohol and could spend up to a week out with my friends. I caused my parents so much anguish and they tried to talk to me but I just couldn't hear it. I wanted to die young; YOLO- you only live once was my motto. I was looking for something I didn't seem to find. I was so unhappy but no one could see it. I was the party girl, posing for pictures and ready for any rave but I was rotting from the inside out. I was failing in school and my parents had no idea.
I ran away from home (in Nairobi) one Tuesday evening when my parents were out and went to live in Thika (a town in the outskirts of Nairobi) with a guy I barely knew. I felt suffocated by my parents and couldn't take their constant lectures and questions. I couldn't recognize love and I had to get away from them.
I was looking for something I didn't seem to find. I was so unhappy but no one could see it. I was the party girl, posing for pictures and ready for any rave but I was rotting from the inside out.
After a few months, I decided to go live alone so I moved back to Nairobi in an estate known as South B. I had no money, no job and for the first time in years, there was no party around me, I was really all alone.
I got a job with an Insurance Company which I was horrible at; yet my boss always talked about my potential, again! I didn't really understand or care about the potential everyone saw. I didn't see it.
My mum sent me money for food, I had a few friends who helped me from time to time, but 2 months into my stay alone, I couldn't leave my house unless it was to get more cigarettes or marijuana. My neighbors got concerned and started bringing me food. Showering was such a task I barely did it. I had two days left or I'd be evicted for rent arrears. I told no one about it. I was so depressed that I started thinking about ending my life. I convinced myself that no one would care. I was all alone and in so much pain I just wanted it to end.
I wanted to end.
And for the 2nd time in my life, I tried to kill myself.
I ended up getting so sick I went back home so that my mum could take care of me. I moved back home permanently and it wasn't long before I started drinking and partying again. I fell out of school and didn't tell my parents. They found out after going to my school to check on my progress and when confronted, I broke down. I was so ashamed and told them I thought I was cursed. I didn't know what was wrong with me and with their guidance I went to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist felt the need to admit me in hospital for a week and this is when I realized that I was right. I was really in trouble. There truly was something wrong with me. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on regular medication.
After my discharge, my friend Hilda (I think she saw how lost I was) and asked me to come to do the Alabastron Renewing Self classes.. Honestly, I was irritated at how much she cared and kept calling to remind me about it. But I knew I needed help and told myself, if Alabastron didn't work, nothing else would. This was my last try.
Friday after Friday I attended the classes and slowly the layers of anger, shame, guilt and the walls I had put up started coming down. In one of the coaching sessions I learnt that nothing I had done stood between me and the love of Jesus. It was at that point I knew I could be helped! I had all along convinced myself that I had done so much, racked up so many soul ties and had gotten too lost that God wouldn't find me, that he wouldn't love me but I learnt that I had been wrong.
I went back home a born again Christian with a resolve to honor God in everything I did, convinced that God really does love me and always did, even when I was lost.
My relationship with my parents is really good now. I find myself amazed every time we laugh together. Now, my mum is my confidant
My relationship with my parents is really good now. I find myself amazed every time we laugh together. Now, my mum is my confidant. I'm going back to school to finally finish my degree; I am proudly smoke and whiskey free. And single. Happily!
I was so lost but I finally found me. These classes helped me find me.
And now I can see the potential everyone's been talking about.